Yeltsin’s Secret Memoirs

With Boris Yeltsin’s passing, his secret memoirs can be released giving us all a better insight into the mind of one the most significant historical figures of the end of the 20th Century. Some surprises about Yeltsin we know learn include:

• Preferred fried eggs although usually ordered eggs scrambled because of societal pressure.
  
• Had it “up to here” with those damn Uzbeks.
  
• Nearly bombed Washington 3 times until someone covered up the big red button after Happy Hour
  
• Big “Golden Girls” fan. Had every show taped. Not such a big fan of spin off “Empty Nest”.
  
• Believed the workers means of production was inversely dependent on the market pressure from the urban proletariat. Really.
  
• Turtles gave him the willies.
  
• Couldn’t keep up to Clinton during G7 after-hours drinking games. Scored more with “the ladies” though.
  
• Really just a regular, down to earth guy who happened to like crushing regional uprisings and imposing martial law on breakaway republics.
  

Links:
Former Russian leader Yeltsin dead
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/04/23/russia.yeltsin/index.html
http://www.xomba.com/yeltin_s_secret_memoirs

Coulter and Imus: The New Odd Couple?

Shameless showbiz promoters are hoping to team Ann Coulter and Don Imus on a new radio show where they can take ignorance and thoughtlessness to the next level.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, then putting these two in the same room for our entertainment is a worse idea than sticking a rattlesnake down your pants to kill the wolverine you put there the day before.
Watch the right-wing harpy and classless boor handle such sensitive topics as:
· Paris vs Lindsey
· Why Obama will ruin America
· Sanjaya is the Devil
· Spring gardening tips
· Viginia Tech had it coming
· Gays in the WNBA: Who’s to blame?
· Retirement planning for people who are getting fired in a week
Seriously, does anyone (not wearing a white hood) think either of these two deserve a platform to spout?

Senator’s Gone Wild: Presidential Campaign

Despite her high profile, and the deep pockets of major backers, Hillary Clinton barely out fundraised Barak Obama in the early part of the campaign. With a potentially larger pool of donors for Obama, Clinton is going to have to employ some more creative fundraising tactics if she wants to stay ahead of her closest rival:

• Star in her own Girl’s Gone Wild video (although the cost for special effects might make it revenue neutral)
  
• A “Baked” Sale, but instead of cookies and pies, sell drugs.
  
• There’s always lottery tickets
  
• Write another tell-all book about life with Bill, but this time, throw in some stuff about living at the Playboy Mansion and being captured by pirates.
  
• Campaign in Canada to save on the exchange rate.
  
• Try and get some of the Oscar money from Gore.
  
• Win American Idol
  

Links: Obama raises $25 million, challenges Clinton's front-runner status
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/04/04/obama.fundraising/index.html

Strange Terms for British Release

Iranian president Almenjani announced the release of captured British military personnel after extensive negotiations between Iran, Britain and the US. As part of the deal, an Iranian diplomat was returned to Iran from Iraq. That was not the only term the panel conceded:

• Iranian Parliament to have unrestricted set access to “Girls Gone Wild: Tehran Spring Break” filming.
  
• An end to tensions over Iran’s peaceful nuclear power program, or at least muzzle Bill O’Reilly for a while.
  
• “Okay, I’ll let them go. Take you foot off my throat. Ack!”
  
• Three free punches of Howard K Stern (or Howard Stern).
  
• Increasing consideration for Tehran’s application for an NBA franchise
  
• More Rock, Less Talk
  
• Almenjani to join in next season of Dancing With the Stars.
  
• Hillary Clinton to end all presidential campaign speeches with “Allah be Praised”.

Bush Rents DVD’s to Prepare for Senate Showdown

Top aides have been filling President Bush’s requests for his favorite movies to inspire him in his expected battle with the Senate over legislation requiring a withdrawl from Iraq in a year. Bush, a noted movie fan, has been holed up in the Whitehouse theater taking notes from some of Cinema’s classic against-all-hope victories. Here is a sampling of what the Commander-in-Chief has been using to hone his skills for battle (but not actually fighting terrorists himself):

Fist Full of Dollars: an outnumbered Clint Eastwood asks the gunfighters to apologize for insulting his mule before killing everyone.
Lesson: Shoot first and try to take as many Democrats down with him. It helps to be a man with nothing to lose, like a President in his final term.

The Dirty Dozen: Lee Marvin beats up John Cassavetes in front of all the convicts.
Lesson: Take the smallest Senator (or bring along Congressman Dennis Kucinich for an example) and kick the snot out of him on the floor, just to show everyone who’s boss.

48 Hours: Convict Eddie Murphy pretends to be a cop to get information from a hostile crowd in a country bar.
Lesson: If Bush behaves like he knows what he’s talking about, and shouts enough, he might just get away with it.

Armageddon: Bruce Willis inspires his riggers to volunteer for the suicide mission, “The United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?"
Lesson: Wrap yourself in the flag. It worked before, it just might work one last time.

Sands of Iwo Jima: Everything
Lesson: John Wayne. Need we say more.

National Security Watchdog

The recent decision to require all Canadians to produce a passport when flying into a US city, has caused many citizens to rethink their security abroad. A recent Senate Committee has produced the following recommendations to the improve the security of Canadians at home and abroad:

• Wearing bright orange vests with the words “Not a Terrorist” across the back.
  
• Disinfect immediately after contact with Paris Hilton
  
• When changing planes in New York, avoid appearing shifty, swarthy, sneaky or altogether foreign
  
• Register only in the Bahamas (but only if you are affiliated with former Prime Minister Paul Martin’s Canada Steamship Lines)
  
• Eat at American style restaurants when possible and resist the desire to order any food with paws.
  
• If deported to Middle Eastern country for torture, reveal any national secretes you may know ­­except­­ the location of Don Cherry’s tailor, the real number of TimBits in a 20 Pack or what David Foster actually does.
  
• All passports to play the “Friendly Giant” theme song when opened to calm agitated foreign border guards.
  
• Form rapid response rescue team comprised of the children of former PMs including Justin Trudeau, Catherine Clark and Ben Mulroney. Tights and capes are optional.

Ann Coulter Gives Good Advice

Ann Coulter continues to take heat in the media for a recent anti-gay slur. This is not the first time the right-wing pundit has faced criticism for speaking without thinking. Other surprising comments have included:

• ‘They’re just dogs and cats. What harm can a little tainted meat do?”
  
• “Britney, I bet you have a lovely scalp.”
  
• “Just because they suspended your license doesn’t mean you forget how to drive Paris. Have another cocktail.”
  
• “Methadone never hurt anyone, Howard.”
  
• “The N-word is funny stuff Michael. Besides, it’s not like someone is going to film you.”
  
• “Kim Jong Il is the sort of leader the United States can trust with nuclear technology.”