Bush Rents DVD’s to Prepare for Senate Showdown

Top aides have been filling President Bush’s requests for his favorite movies to inspire him in his expected battle with the Senate over legislation requiring a withdrawl from Iraq in a year. Bush, a noted movie fan, has been holed up in the Whitehouse theater taking notes from some of Cinema’s classic against-all-hope victories. Here is a sampling of what the Commander-in-Chief has been using to hone his skills for battle (but not actually fighting terrorists himself):

Fist Full of Dollars: an outnumbered Clint Eastwood asks the gunfighters to apologize for insulting his mule before killing everyone.
Lesson: Shoot first and try to take as many Democrats down with him. It helps to be a man with nothing to lose, like a President in his final term.

The Dirty Dozen: Lee Marvin beats up John Cassavetes in front of all the convicts.
Lesson: Take the smallest Senator (or bring along Congressman Dennis Kucinich for an example) and kick the snot out of him on the floor, just to show everyone who’s boss.

48 Hours: Convict Eddie Murphy pretends to be a cop to get information from a hostile crowd in a country bar.
Lesson: If Bush behaves like he knows what he’s talking about, and shouts enough, he might just get away with it.

Armageddon: Bruce Willis inspires his riggers to volunteer for the suicide mission, “The United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?"
Lesson: Wrap yourself in the flag. It worked before, it just might work one last time.

Sands of Iwo Jima: Everything
Lesson: John Wayne. Need we say more.

National Security Watchdog

The recent decision to require all Canadians to produce a passport when flying into a US city, has caused many citizens to rethink their security abroad. A recent Senate Committee has produced the following recommendations to the improve the security of Canadians at home and abroad:

• Wearing bright orange vests with the words “Not a Terrorist” across the back.
  
• Disinfect immediately after contact with Paris Hilton
  
• When changing planes in New York, avoid appearing shifty, swarthy, sneaky or altogether foreign
  
• Register only in the Bahamas (but only if you are affiliated with former Prime Minister Paul Martin’s Canada Steamship Lines)
  
• Eat at American style restaurants when possible and resist the desire to order any food with paws.
  
• If deported to Middle Eastern country for torture, reveal any national secretes you may know ­­except­­ the location of Don Cherry’s tailor, the real number of TimBits in a 20 Pack or what David Foster actually does.
  
• All passports to play the “Friendly Giant” theme song when opened to calm agitated foreign border guards.
  
• Form rapid response rescue team comprised of the children of former PMs including Justin Trudeau, Catherine Clark and Ben Mulroney. Tights and capes are optional.

Ann Coulter Gives Good Advice

Ann Coulter continues to take heat in the media for a recent anti-gay slur. This is not the first time the right-wing pundit has faced criticism for speaking without thinking. Other surprising comments have included:

• ‘They’re just dogs and cats. What harm can a little tainted meat do?”
  
• “Britney, I bet you have a lovely scalp.”
  
• “Just because they suspended your license doesn’t mean you forget how to drive Paris. Have another cocktail.”
  
• “Methadone never hurt anyone, Howard.”
  
• “The N-word is funny stuff Michael. Besides, it’s not like someone is going to film you.”
  
• “Kim Jong Il is the sort of leader the United States can trust with nuclear technology.”

Clinton–Obama-Palooza

Clinton!
Obama!
Media outlets are building up the hyperbole on the battle raging on between these two presidential heavyweights, with each “talkin’ smack” that the other has no chance to win the White House.

Actually neither candidate said anything, but boy, did their representatives ever trade barbs about who has baggage, who has experience blah blah blah. It’s a slug-fest out there. If you want to be a mouthpiece for the campaign, you better bring you’re ‘A’ game and wear a cup.

Bitch.

Well, then it turns out it wasn’t spokespeople for either campaign, just a bunch of Hollywood types with opinions who wanted to get on the news.

Here’s a thought: A Hillary – Barack Cage Match. Last one standing gets to lose to Rudy Guilianni in 2008. No holds barred. Except Clinton can’t wear a wrestling singlet. After all, a presidential race has to have some dignity Dammit!

Gore/Oscar '08?

The success of former Veep Al Gore’s movie and his reception at the Oscars has fueled excitement for a run at the Presidency in 2008. Gore has denied any plans to run but did joke about a major announcement during the Academy Awards broadcast.

Inspired by the positive effect a successful Hollywood film can have on reversing your political fortunes, former candidate Howard Dean has gone into production of his film “Scream 4: The Ranting” and Hillary Clinton announced the release of her new film “It Takes A Village (to Stop My Presidential Campaign of Revenge on My Husband). John Edwards held a press conference to remind everyone his favorite move is “Splash”

There’s nothing better than ridiculing someone in public office, right up the point where a lawsuit would really be a good idea. It likely is due to my own repressed bitterness over having lost too many elections of my own. Republicans, Democrats and Independents can expect equal treatment, despite these three pieces lampooning the Dems. Luck O’the Draw. I’m sure that Wacky George Bush and his Zany Sidekick Dick will have some crazy antics to cover tomorrow. Like believing that The Iranian president will take seriously anything Condi has to say about their nuclear program.